Friday, June 12, 2009

I survived - Suicide documentary

I am watching the suicide documentary from I survived, and I just can't help but to see myself in the person being interviewed. His name is Brian and he have attempted committing suicide two times.

When he described his background, I felt like I was looking at a mirror. We are both active and doing good at school. We both know how to make friends. We both know how to look happy to everyone else, but keeping all the sadness inside.

When he described his "addiction" to sadness, it hit me. I am also addicted to it. I usually cry to myself at night when I am alone. I feel the loneliness of the world, and I lived in the darkness. When I am not doing anything and when I am not thinking of anything productive, I think about darkness and death.

Normally, when you think of dying, you'd cry because you don't want to leave the world. I too cried when I think of suicide. But I had been thinking of death for such a long time that I have became more than an acquaintance with it, until I no longer cry when I think about death. I am immune.

But unlike Brian, I realized early enough that I can't forever live in this darkness. He tried taking his life for 2 times, while I had yet to do it. But I don't want to try it any longer. I want to live and explore what the world has to offer.

I am forcing myself to forget about my bitter thoughts. I am keeping my mind and body busy so I would forget about my loneliness. I just hope I can keep this up so that my mind won't wander towards the darkness.

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